The Ultimate Guide to Eating and Voting

Today we have a guest blog by Christine Landry, who has won four Guac Bowl trophies – tied with the lead. How did she do it? Culinary skill? Relentless lobbying? Artistic flair? Relentless lobbying? We may never know, because instead of talking about how to WIN Guac Bowl, she wrote about how to ENJOY Guac Bowl. Which I guess is important, since most of you won’t win, but hopefully everyone will enjoy the party.

And now, here’s Christine with The Ultimate Guide to Guac Eating and Voting:

There are some who have been with Guac Bowl from the start. We were there in the early days where guac thrown into a martini glass could win best presentation. (I did that.) We were there before too many vegetarians were put on the Evite, and a guacamole covered in bacon could take home the prize for best alternative. (Also mine.) Early on, we ate way, way too much guacamole in one day, felt sick afterwards and swore not to eat guacamole again for at least two weeks.

And through it all, we have developed keen guacamole instincts. We know how to work a guacamole table; we know how to avoid the Guacamole Bloat after the Bowl is over; we know how to get down to business and vote for the best guacamole.

But Guac Bowl grows each year, and amateurs come in thinking they can take the place by storm and eat guac willy-nilly. They don’t realize that guac eating and voting requires patience, a plan and pacing. So for those overwhelmed by the sheer guaciness of Guac Bowl, here’s how us old-timers do it:

1. Don’t gauge your guac-eating pace by what’s in front of you. Whatever time you get to Guac Bowl, more guac is on its way. Guac-hopefuls trickle in until the very end, and you will see and smell more guac than you can ever imagine by the time this thing is finished. Give your stomach a chance, and leave room for more guac because it’s surely coming.

2. Make note of the best guacs. In your head is fine, or use pen and paper if you’re feeling forgetful. If you can, take a taste of all the guacs, narrow the field down to your favorites and then taste those again before voting.

3. If you really like one guac, don’t stand by it and eat the whole thing. That’s likely my guac, and I need to make sure there’s enough to go around.

4. Hand off disgusting guac-like items to unsuspecting passers-by. Pretend to be sharing, and give them the gross guac. Whether it’s half a Guac Pocket or half a Guacsicle, people are usually game for going halfsies at Guac Bowl. As their stomachs fill up, going wholesies seems insane.

5. If you’re short on time, ask Christine which guacs are best. She’ll give you an honest tour of the frontrunners. She’ll likely include her own guac in the tour, but that’s to be expected. And by “she,” she means “I.”

6. If you don’t trust Christine, ask someone you do. If you get to the party late, you’re not going to have time to taste all the guacs. Behave like the Academy: Determine which guacs have the best buzz, only pay attention to those and ignore other potentially delicious guacs that don’t have the proper PR machines behind them.

7. Don’t feel guilty about taking guac-eating shortcuts. There’s going to be a lot of guac in the house. If someone made unappetizing-looking guac or doesn’t have the good sense to lobby for their guac, that’s their own fault. You only have so much room in your stomach.

8. Vote from the gut. Certainly don’t vote from the heart—that might lead you to vote for your undeserving significant other. Your gut is more familiar with the guac. Listen to it.